Forum Archive Index - July 2002

["Ben Dutton" <bendutton@sharechat.co.nz>]

Morgy,

I was just on SatireWire as well actually (lunch break time of course) -
they've published another great article as well...

"Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) - In a surprise decision that exonerates
dozens of major companies, the U.S. Supreme Court today ruled that corporate
earnings statements should be protected as works of art, as they "create
something from nothing."

Click here for the full article...

http://www.satirewire.com/news/june02/worldcom.shtml

It's quite a laugh.

Best, Ben

----- Original Message -----
From: "Morgy" <morgy40@xtra.co.nz>
To: <sharechat@sharechat.co.nz>
Sent: Wednesday, July 03, 2002 1:40 PM
Subject: [sharechat] News Flash - Remaining U.S. CEOs Make A Break For It


>
> Subject: News Flash - Remaining U.S. CEOs Make A Break For It
>
>
> > Band Of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles From Mexican Border - San
> > Antonio, Texas (Rooters)
> >
> > Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining
> CEOs
> > of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the
> > Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing
> the
> > entire rampage off as a marketing expense. "They came into my home, made
> me
> > pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez
> of
> > Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."
> >
> > Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first
spotted
> > last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought
each
> > of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By
> late
> > this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's
population
> to
> > 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.
This
> > morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
> > underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
> > California for $4.5 billion.
> >
> > Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were
> > noticeably frustrated. "First of all, they're very hard to find because
> they
> > always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said
> > posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name
of
> > the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on
the
> > phone all damn morning."
> >
> > "YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
> >
> > The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a
> > common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by
> > disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S.
Border
> > Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
> >
> > Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to
> scan
> > the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we
just
> > hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but
> > occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the
loop
> on
> > that.'"
> >
> > Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer
> > Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph
> > Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global
> > Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis
Kozlowski
> of
> > Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been
> > indicted.
> >
> > So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha
> > Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a
> > barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. "She
> > would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for
marzipan
> > and food colouring so she could make edible snowman place settings,
using
> > the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer
Jennette
> > Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds
> > texture to the stucco walls."
> >
> > While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into
> Mexico,
> > Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the
> > Alamo. "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she
said.
> > "They're rotating all the tyres on the minivans and accounting for each
> > change as a sales event."
> >
> >
> > "WS SMTP relay" made the following
> >  annotations on 07/03/02 14:52:28
>
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