Forum Archive Index - July 2002

["Morgy" <morgy40@xtra.co.nz>]

Subject: News Flash - Remaining U.S. CEOs Make A Break For It


> Band Of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles From Mexican Border - San
> Antonio, Texas (Rooters)
>
> Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining
CEOs
> of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the
> Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing
the
> entire rampage off as a marketing expense. "They came into my home, made
me
> pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez
of
> Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."
>
> Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted
> last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each
> of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By
late
> this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population
to
> 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter. This
> morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
> underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
> California for $4.5 billion.
>
> Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were
> noticeably frustrated. "First of all, they're very hard to find because
they
> always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said
> posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of
> the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the
> phone all damn morning."
>
> "YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
>
> The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a
> common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by
> disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border
> Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
>
> Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to
scan
> the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just
> hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but
> occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop
on
> that.'"
>
> Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer
> Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph
> Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global
> Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski
of
> Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been
> indicted.
>
> So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha
> Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a
> barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375. "She
> would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan
> and food colouring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using
> the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette
> Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds
> texture to the stucco walls."
>
> While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into
Mexico,
> Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the
> Alamo. "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said.
> "They're rotating all the tyres on the minivans and accounting for each
> change as a sales event."
>
>
> "WS SMTP relay" made the following
>  annotations on 07/03/02 14:52:28
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