Forum Archive Index - April 2000

[Chris Darby <darby@ak.planet.gen.nz>]

REUTERS UPDATE - Friday 7 April 2000 0930 hrs AEST 




New AOL TIME WARNER acquisition 


in a surprise announcement, AOL Time Warner announced Friday that it had 
acquired France. This marks the first time that a multimedia company has 
purchased an entire nation.


"We had considered other countries," chairman Steve Case admitted, "but 
we were just blown away by France's great visuals and incredible depth of 
content."


"It's all about the cheese," countered the company's increasingly 
unorthodox CEO, Gerald Levin. "They've got some really stinky cheese."


With its population of nearly 59 million people, its natural resources of 
coal, iron ore, bauxite and potash, its history of fine art, literature 
and incomprehensible literary theory, and the exciting film stylistics of 
Gerard Depardieu, France makes an ideal counterpart to Time AOL's 
content, analysts say.


"We've got print, movies, television and, of course, a sizable chunk of 
the Internet audience," Case announced at a hastily called news 
conference. "They've got Balzac, the existentialists and Serge 
Gainsbourg. I think the fit was pretty obvious."


"Have you tried their fries?" Levin asked the assembled journalists. 
"They eat them with fucking mayonnaise!"


French President Jacques Chirac was resistant to the idea, according to 
Case, until AOL Time Warner killed him.


"Now he likes it just fine."


French Prime Minister Lionel Jospin, posting in an AOL chat room, said 
the French people have been stuck in double-digit unemployment for over a 
decade now and were looking forward to working with their American 
counterparts online.


Case says the decision to buy France occurred to him and Levin as they 
flew over the European nation last week. "Wouldn't it be funny if that 
was all ours?" he asked of the former Time Warner head. "Can you imagine 
the look on Bill Gates' face?"


The decision to purchase a country best known for its hauteur and 
fabulous women struck some analysts as misguided. "This comes at a time 
when a lot of investors would like to see more tangibles in AOL Time 
Warner," said Lazlo Toth of Jupiter Communications. "France seems silly, 
while a nice Scandinavian nation would have shown more gravitas. They're 
wired for sound there, too."


The deal must first be approved by the SEC, the CIA, 'N Sync, UNESCO and 
the cast of "Marvin's Room." Case said he expected no trouble from any 
quarter. "Just remember what happened to Chirac," he cautioned.


French pop sensation Johnny Halliday did not return calls seeking comment.
 

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